2018 RISING

As many of you know, I label my years – I’ve done the year of “bronze”, “work”, “forgiveness” and “balance”. This year, it took a while for me to find that focal point. But like they always do, it finally came.

Sometimes, you find yourself on a cusp.

Of what exactly is often difficult to identify, but all the same, you feel it. The quiet, inexplicable thrum of change tolling softly, deep within your being. Or maybe not within, exactly. Sometimes forced upon you, sometimes actively sought, and sometimes it comes as a surprise. But all the same, you feel it and know that your world is about to look very different and that there is nothing you can do to stop it.

I am not a patient person… not really. I do a good job putting on that mask I think, but inside, I chafe against time and cords that bind it. I tap my foot and fidget and silently judge whomever or whatever it is that is hindering forward progress. Moving slowly is not within my nature… except on Sunday mornings.

I think that that impatience is why, I tend to exist in a state of flux, leaping blindly from one big “life thing” to the next, always with the firmest belief that this is the right move. This is the next step. This will get me to that greener landscape. I will find success there. This next thing is what will allow me to just “be” – whatever that means.

That next place is where happiness is.

I have always had the overwhelming belief that there was nothing that I couldn’t handle. I take big chances because, in my bones, I know that even if I fail, I will come back from that failure. My belief in myself has always been firm – a certainty.

I will be ok.

And, I have my parents to thank for that. Whatever they did when I was young and malleable taught me that risks are always worth it if taken in the pursuit of knowledge, and that life is a journey – there is no right or wrong. Just forward. Always forward.

That doesn’t mean it’s not hard sometimes. Because it is. Sometimes, the act of just breathing is so fucking hard that you question whether or not it’s possible. Sometimes life blindsides you and you are left crumpled, a ghost of the person you were only moments before. A shattered shell of your former self, covered in the smoldering ashes of a life that has veered suddenly in a direction you couldn’t control.

But in those broken moments, we define who we are.

I believe firmly that we all need to be complete in ourselves – to be our own rock.  It is alarming to me how easy it is to wander from that path. I fall easily into the sidekick role. It is safe and comfortable, and I am small and it is easy there. And sometimes, I am so fucking tired.

But that sidekick isn’t the person I want to be, and independence, strength and knowledge are the things I have always valued above all else.  And interestingly, each time I stray from that path, there is life – pushing me, sometimes violently, back. Be your own person, it says. The only guardian of your happiness is yourself.

A wise person told me recently that when life happens and broken moments shake your vision of the future, you feel the feelings and then rise strong.

And so, on the cusp of change I label 2018 as the year I rise, with a new mantra.

I will not let fear define me. I will live voraciously and laugh abundantly. I will be my own solace. I will be present and authentic and unapologetic. I will find stillness. I will cherish the people who matter.

And I will push ambitiously forward, always forward.