When my eyes are closed, yours haunt me.
Smiling, full of secrets and laughter.
So much confidence… swagger even.
It bubbles over and I absorb the excess, instantly at ease – the most relaxed I ever am.
Laughing, always laughing.
Stories whispered in the dark and sex with the lights on.
100% comfortable in my skin.

Until I leave. Or you do.

Sometimes in the morning you kiss me goodbye and other times we are strangers.
Passengers on a train.
Passengers on two trains even, moving steadily in opposite directions.
I see you through the window and smile though. You wink at me.

And then I am alone again, going about my life, lost in my own head.
Thoughts spinning, twirling….
Half of the time at peace and the other half of the time I chafe.
Binding cords ever tighter around a heart that feels too much.

Denial is a glorious thing.
Until it’s not.

And then I swear you off – fuck you.
You’re not good for me, but god damn, you’re so good for me.
So I focus on other things.
I bury myself in my work, my friends, my life.
I enjoy it. I revel in it.

And some sweet man will take me out.
And maybe I even feel something.
But he’ll be smart and nice and he’ll like me too much.
And it becomes real.
And I panic.

And like a ghost, there you are again, in the back of my mind.
A quick text and lightning strikes.
I fall into your arms.
Your bed.
Like a junkie, I shoot up, high on you.
On the way we are together, late at night, alone where no one watches and real life is a million miles away.

And then the next day everyone else feels a little grayer.
And my next date with the nice guy isn’t quite so nice.
And whatever I felt is gone.

And you are gone.
And it all circles around and around and around.